October 2013

Hey, House Republicans: way to imperil our national security and bring the nation to its knees as no foreign terrorist has ever done.

Eat your heart out, Osama. Boehner’s in the house tonight!


Well, our self-proclaimed “fiscally responsible” party just shut down the IRS. The country no longer has a way to make money. What a great way to solve debt!

This “moral majority” is so concerned about the safety and healthcare rights of Americans that they’ve closed the CDC and the FDA. We now will have no monitoring of our food, medicines, or infectious disease outbreaks. It might not even be worthwhile for our enemies to use sophisticated bioterrorism agents. Just send over a bunch of guys with drug-resistant TB to cough on our lettuce.

Oh, and we’ll probably be destaffing TSA in a week or two, so they can walk right in. Since we won’t be inspecting imports, they could save the plane ticket, but who doesn’t want to visit the Statue of Liberty? Or look at it through binoculars, I suppose.

Since we have so many people on forced holiday, it would have been a great time to take the kids to the park or a museum, but nope. The Republicans also just shut down or national tourism, preventing us from making money off foreigners or, you know, enjoying our furloughs.

Apparently the justice department is largely extraneous, as well. No more rule of law for us!

Thanks for looking out for America, guys.