Today I skipped lunch to spend half an hour with my eye hooked up to an irrigation pump. Then they put this fluorescent stuff on it, which drained down my tear ducts. I’ve been sneezing iridescent green all afternoon. The techs also had fun dabbing litmus paper on my eyeball to check the pH every few minutes (it’s 6.8, in case you were wondering).

On the bright side, I now know there are other people in the world who know the IPA.